Little Old Me

Well I 'm on holiday in corwall enjoying every minute gettin drunk and sunburnt and eating well also sorting my self out both mentaly an phyiscally. I've got a very good mate over we have been talking on line for years the way we met up is a liitle differnt we spoke for the first time when me an the ex and house mate were down in london i met Martin when i went to the bar of the Kings Arms to get a round in he said your Rhinoskin i said yep i did not reconise him we went from there....A few weeks later we were talking on line as you do and he said that some thing had happend to him while catching the bus home from Victoria station he had a "man" walk up to him and say if he had a cig he also said that if he didn't give him one he would stab him he then proceded to punch Martin in the face leaving him with teeth missing and needing stiches i was goin on hol so offerd him some time away to recover...Well we are doin well helping each over the shit we have been through and deleloping something good between us......
speakin of helping i would like to thank a few very good mates who have been there for me even though it looks like i didn't look like I was lisening At Xibit Will and his partner craig even took my car keys off me when i was at my lowest and at the pub...James and partner who just listend without making comment my mate Jules who has been through her own bad year who said the little shit will get it back (more in a while) and all those on line on eurowoof and gaydar who i've talked to
now on to Shaun the ex who dumped me what most frustates me about him is what he did..if our relationship was failing then it was ok it ended but it wasn't if he had fallen for someone else that with time would have been ok but what happend had nothing to do with that what happend is very simply that he met a lad saw what he had and wanted it for him self he will at some point get bored and move on if he isn't allready doin so he will and i don't like it givin out a sob story which i know is crap that "we" used him and made him clean up we didn't he said he liked cleaning up and often did it at his moms i know what he is doing trying to get people to take sides i do not want any body talkin any bodys side if i have lied then i will be found out so it will stand for him too i know i had the wool pulled over my eyes so are many people who are now by him but i see clearly now..I know hes been sayin that i should get on with life, get over yer self and that if i don't leave him alone then he will sort it out (his words) and that he things my blog is incredulous its all true from my side i have also checked it...i now wish to take the oxygen from the fire i know he thinks that this all is about him its not so i will not feed any more to his little ego i just wish that i could stop him from hurting any more people while he "socal climbs" but i can't but i do know with time mud sticks...any way hes out of here and when hes found out it won't go i told you so just i know

its now 4 weeks on from the date my life stopped is still ups and downs but i'm gettin there think it will be some time yet..doin things like this helps and talkin i feel so lucky to have so many friends that i can bore the pants off over it even though i'm not takin much notice of what they say..i had a lad i was taking to a few weeks ago..i met him once as you do he wanted to go down on my boots wasn't a good time he kept talking to me online i would say he could come over again but realy i didn't want to meet this lasted 4 years off and on most gay lads take the hint after a few months but he didn't so i told him one day afew months ago i even blocked him he came back blocked him again i was a twat.... so a while ago when he knew he wern't goin to me he said that he would just talk which is fine with me...then he told me that he had met some one and was happy then about 6 weeks ago he told me he had been dumped it then sounded very much like me...though i didn't tell him i was goin through the same thing but for him it was worse..not only did he lose a partner but he lost all his friends over the next week or so i tried to encorage him to get out maybe even buy some new clothes he didn't think that he would meet any body who would like him...then he like me hit rock bottom l the week before last on the thursday i got a message it said i've had enough i've got no friends nothing in my life to look forward to i've got a bottle of scotch and some painkillers..i messged him back cos i didn't know where he was or didn't have any numbers for him saying for him to get help..i didn't hear any thing else that night..friday cam i was checking my messages i had one from him i asked if he was alright..got a messge back sayin WHO IS THIS? i told him then i got back THIS IS HIS SISTER HE TOOK AN OVERDOSE LAST NIGHT HE'S NOW DEAD...i was in shock i i checked to see if it was a wind up it wasn't..he took his life over a little shit who didn't care about him wasn't botherd what he did to other people then i thought hang on thats like my ex who didn't think what it would do when he picked up the quick shag that night in the penny then thought a few days later that he would dump me cos the new lad had more i thought that was so shalow so driven by the thing in his pants an what he could get off them before he got bored of em and moved on so people were right about him when they were talkin about my ex so if its right when yer hear the saying what goes around comes around i hope he can cope when it comes to his turn and they dump him lets see if he learns.....
. stupid thing is even though he thew me away and won't admit it i still love him.......

i am so chuffed to have so many friends who realy care about me both old and new
i just want to move on and if a mate comes to me after being dumped i'm not goin to say its ok you just get over then they arn't worth the effort or that it don't matter and should move on..guess what i'm goin to say..what do you want to do to them?
i'm tired of feelin sad for no resion
i'm tired of feelin low
i'm tired of feeing lonley
i'm tired of being angry
i'm tired of talking about some one who didn't care
i'm tired of walkin around and goin places and having things that bring back memories of better times
i'm waiting to find someone who wants to be realy loved an care and be cared for

ian xxx

I know the very moment my life stopped......I know where I know when what I don't know is why? or what for think i never will I rember every little detail of that afternoon i was in bed just done the last of my night shifts it was 1.36pm sunday the 6th of august i rember the sound of his moms car pulling up out side i rember him unlocking the door i rember him come up stairs the sound of his shoes on the wooden floor him standing there him nuging the bottom of the bed and saying i want to break up with you..its my fault he said i became num then shocked that this was completely out of the blue he kept repeting its my fault its the rows we have they do my head in i need some space i said i would if thats what he needed he said no....he was then sick in the bathroom i rember him reching he was sick again...i just watched him take every thing that he had moved in the week before into his bags then he was gone.... I do rember he never said i don't love you any more or i hate you..i sat there in shock in bed, the bed he slept in with me the house that he had turned up side down there was things of his all over the house a lamp here moved chairs moved there i even had most of his underwear i had the smell of him in the bed the pillows i couldn't turn with out seein some thing...I was asked if i wanted to go for a pint that eveing by a mate after i had txt'd my mate to tell them the sad news i drove into town that evening aound 7 as i drove across Leeds Bridge he was walking across towards the pub i was goin to he looked happy as though he didn't have a care in the world he was walking across with someone a lad shorter than him looked a little older they talking my heart stopped was every thing that we did a lie? did it not matter?..i parked up went in the back door went to the bar he saw me tried to act as though he hadn't seen me he at one end of a crowded bar me at the other was what he said that he needed time to get his head together a lie? was i so easly replaced? i started to ask questions of my mates there who was he? i found out they said he looked like he was showing off a new boyfiend and thats what i saw out side as i drove over my world had stopped he's contued...i got very drunk that night found out that his best mate my house mate had a short call from him the day before saying that he was breakin up with me completely out of the blue and as he said later the put him in an imposible postion stuck beween us knowing something he couldn't tell me..the next day i got a txt from him sayin he had heard that i was asking questions about the lad he was with he said he was just a mate that didn't fool me for a min i replied i got back yep he was the new fella my heart sank he said he wanted to be fiends with me i said i couldn't after what i saw...i exploded i've never felt such anger i let loose at him i said things i now reget he rang me i couldn't control my self i said what hedid to me he had done in the past to other boyfriends he would do to this one he admited he would...i'd also found out the day before from one of my onlind mates that he had been setting up dates for meets for sex they said they were shocked that he would do that since they knew that he was in a closed relationship with me and that he'd been doin that for 5 weeks before dumping me and i was completely fathfull all the time we were togther it wasn't a good week i felt let down, cheated on angry for what he had done, useless and so alone and lost i wanted to bring the world down around his ears i told him this i didn't think he knew me that well i thing i scaried him no boy friend had said to him i said it wasn't over between us he told me to say away from him i said not a chance and when i found him cheating on the new lad i would tell him no matter where he did it in the pub or on line..he then dropped all his profiles..by the end of the week my anger was still high...work was staring to worry about me i wasn't eating sleepin little the second week came my anger slowing down i stared to think i got in touch with his first ex asked him some questions about his realtionship with him i wanted to under stand why he'd done what he'd done..it was as some one said like a sudden death wanting to know why i found out that he said that he moves from victim to victim like a bumble bee and that he wouldn't stay long with them..i also found out that his ex was a not a nice bit of work manipultive using him to get what he wanted or if he couldn't then buying it or as he said buyin his love not good for a lad just comming out i thought some more then the lowest point of my life started i started crying, crying unconatlably was later told that this was grief i was told later a thought came into my head i wanted him back so much it came from nowhere i was regetting what i said a week earler by then the damage was done i appologiesd to my house mate for putting him in that place and for what i had done while the relationship was working i even appologiesd to him telling him i wanted him back and that we could work it out he turned me down flat i did get a sorry off him i offerd to meet him to talk no reply i don't think he could look me in the eye i was staring to lose wieght.. when i changed all my profiles to single it was like i was suddenly available i admit i did have some shags the sex was good but there was something missing so i stopped and only did it when i wanted to then the start of the third week i hit rock bottom my moods became black the deepest black possible i came home one night got a bottle out of the fridge, peach snaps drank half in one go and did something i will never ever do again took some pain killers i don't know where the thought came from but it did i slumped on the sofa fell asleep woke up at midnight went to bed woke up at 6am crying on his side of the bed..we excanged some mor txts he called me sad, that i should get over it an get on with yer life....how could i my life had completely stopped there was a deep hole in my chest i felt so sad and alone..i now knew how it felt when i had done it to others..so this was maybe payback?....

txt's would fly though the air every day we would ring each other even when he was driving his bus (hand free if yer asking) i would even sneak off the ward for a call... the staff said that they had never seen me so happy and that it must be love this time...we would say to each other how much do you love me? or do you miss me? and how much do you miss me? he would call me sweetness or babe...i would call him my monkey boy cos he could pinch or grip with his toes or my chunky monkey we would talk about what he would do at work his gripes and what the staff and the mangers were up to i would even when he asked take him to work or drop him off at the bus station at ungodly times like 6 in the moring or pick him up from the depo in cas at midnight after a long day he would always say his job was hard demanding work which it was i would listen to the coverstions that would happen between him and the passngers he was your normal jokey busdrive he always sounded like he would care about them, even though i knew other wise i rember the first time i went for a ride on the bus he was working on they always sounded like they were falling apart lol we natterd as he did his route the speed of the bus the way he would drive though recless but always in control allways the professional driver it was like bein a kid again, stood there this big hunk of a lad big smile on his face he would even take pics on his phone of him on the bus in his unform, lol he always said he looked like a copper in it..i had to agree...it was always good to see him at the end of a shift while i waited for him in our local in town he would walk in the door and walk to the bar kiss and get his drink we would always touch little things...a finger in a back pocket a feel of his arse just standing close to him we would play the video machine getting some of the questions never winning then we would go shopping, hunting for that bargin in the clothes shops a t shirt here a pair of jeans there a cheap pair of trainers any where then we would go out dressed up somthing i've not done for years and feel good about my self i would feel so proud to be with him when we were out on the town just drinking an joking he would bop around i would sit and stand an maybe some times join in he always had this little dance he would do with his hands and roll his eyes sky wards but always have a big smile on his face..some of the songs he would sing sounded a little stange when he would sing them to me things like "do you beleve i life after love" supose thinkin about it maybe he wasn't as happy as i thought i don't know..on the way home he would always call in for takeway at the kabab shops then go hime and stuff his face while potterd about doin the cats or changing the water or trying to get the dog to behave..we would then go to bed he waould always ask me to kiss him and if i didn't do well then he would say is that all? then i would show him how much i loved him and realy kiss him then we would settle down admitedly i would be at times randy and want more he would some times want it as well some times not and say he was tired i would lay with him on his side and nussel into him my nose in his neck my arms around his big belly my leg over his and i would fall asleep and he would wisper i love you more than you know..........

if i'd known what problems it would have coursed i think i would have not have asked the house mate to move in..... i have lived in my house for 46 years i was born only 5 feet away from where i'm typing this lol i had the other half changing my life my house ect then he and the house mate stared planning chages and i think i couldn't cope with it i'm a bit incure about things esp if things change too fast and i had (i'm not saying didn't make the siutations worse) just come out of two bad ending relationships (5 years and 4 years) so i was a little head fucked me an the other half would have rows the first i rember was a realy stupid one as we came back from a night out he said he got the muchies (when hes at his momes then they have a freazer draw full of chocolate) so as we were driving home he said he could do with a load of choc to eat i said he shouldn't eat so much (he wieghs in at 18 stone) cos i was worried about his wieght he said that he would eat what ever he likes and that i couldn't stop him..thats the red rag to the bull lol so we rowd over something childish and stupid..we did make it up later though our rows from my side were more bickerin like an old couple he would have his moods when he came home from work and i would pick up on that and vicea versor it would happen more when the house mate was in cos i feel now that when they were together that they were closer than me an him they would go out in leeds and have a good time then, i supose wind me up about how borin i was..i'm fairly quiet and a little shy i'm more of a people watcher than a joiner in i was a doorman for nearly 9 years which i did to bring my self out i enjoyed my time doin the job ..i know that thinking about it and looking back we were doing too much too soon but at the time we were bein carried along by it...i did say to him when i was having one of my realy introverted days and feeling a little green about what they were doin that maybe the best relationship was an open one with him and the house mate (they liked each other but deinatly not for sex) the other half would always say that was stupid, which it was so our relationship sometimes bumped along sometimes realy close touching kissing laying together on the sofa cuddling or just sittin quietly or even in the pub with mates having a laff or rowing or having moods over nothing and not talking.......

we spent our first night together it was wonderfull to sleep next to him to feel the heat to nussle his neck to feel the hair on his back to hug him and to kiss and be kissed back....and from that point he slowly moved in he started cleanig the house him self which was very not normal for a 26 year old i confesed when we were walking the dog in the park that i was a bit of a slob and had got my self in a rut...the first time i trused him what when my ward moved back to my old unit cos the ward was being decorated i was on a late shift which finnished at 8pm he asked the day before if he could take the car ter work i thought about this was my car i made a leap of fath and said yes he could have done any thing taken my car come back to my house cos he had a set of keys by then and cleaned me out but i had to start trusting him some time he tured up that night and he picked me up from work..the first 3 weeks we spent all the time we could together as he lived with his mum he didn't realy get on with her he said that bacuse of what had gone on before in here realtionships ect that the wern't comfortable with each other and with him bein gay she wasn't comfortable with him so i figured thats one resion he moved in with me it was good to have him around not only for the company and the sex but cos it felt right..we both had a mate that we both knew he was when i met him he was the landlord of a pub in leeds and i met him over chistmas when he looked like he was working on the doors hes a big bear of a man he met my otherhalf (before me) the gay pub we go to one night when he was on his own my mate bought him a drink and had it sent over saying that he fanced him he turned down the chance to talk..the next time that saw each other they stared natterin an as they say the rest is history any way our mate was sadly haveing problems with his partner and was gettin to the point of moving out of their house i had a spaire room and becouse of some money problems i was having i thought it would be a good idear for him to become my house mate the otherhalf thought it was a good idear as well so 4 weeks after my partner moved in our mate did too........

it felt so comfortable being with him i was so happy he said that if he found his man then he would be monogamus with him which knowing me would be a big thing...i can be a bit of a tart lol puttin it about a lot esp when i was in relationships now i'm not saying i was a good lad i wasn't i was a subbon pig headded always wanting my own way and finding excuses to do it like i wasn't happy in the relationship ect thinkin about it i was in relationships for the wrong resions lookin for security while sleeping around ect but this time it was differnernt with him i've as far as i'm aware never been in love always been sad about this...that i found sex before love but now i found love with what i thought was my man....

well where to start lol i'm at work its 04.25am i'm a mental health nurse for over 65's and i can't get the boyfriend who dumped me out of my head..call me sad but i've never been here before i'm gay by the way i've had so far in my short life 5 relationships lasting from 5 weeks (the first) to 5 years (the one before this)..but i've never felt like this we met off a web sight called Gaydar we natterd on there then swapped mobile nos then txt'd we both thought that we would never meet but the bank holiday sunday i said why not come over for a shag..as gay men do lol and he did and he came over and walked in the door and something in me went click!! hes 6 foot short laddish brown hair blue eyes big broad sholders bit of a tum (he weighs 18 stone) he was wearing the normal laddish stuff trackies an a polo shirt we spent 4 hours together and it was fab we had sex we natterd..i walked him to his car i said we should meet up again we did a few days later..then the next time we talked about relationships and how the one he was in was goin no where, his mom didn't like him cos he was black..but thats some people we talked about his job..hes a bus driver in caslesford just out side leeds hes not been out long at the time he was 26 came out when he was 21 and stright into a relationship with an older man which lasted 5 years he showed me his profile not nice an older fat queen appers it wasn't a good relationship he was as he said controled and not alowed to do any thing on his own..he said that he found ways to meet other men for sex druring their time together even to have an affair that lasted 7 months but it came to an end i never found out why not probed as you do..any way thats when we started.......