its now 4 weeks on from the date my life stopped is still ups and downs but i'm gettin there think it will be some time yet..doin things like this helps and talkin i feel so lucky to have so many friends that i can bore the pants off over it even though i'm not takin much notice of what they say..i had a lad i was taking to a few weeks ago..i met him once as you do he wanted to go down on my boots wasn't a good time he kept talking to me online i would say he could come over again but realy i didn't want to meet this lasted 4 years off and on most gay lads take the hint after a few months but he didn't so i told him one day afew months ago i even blocked him he came back blocked him again i was a twat.... so a while ago when he knew he wern't goin to me he said that he would just talk which is fine with me...then he told me that he had met some one and was happy then about 6 weeks ago he told me he had been dumped it then sounded very much like me...though i didn't tell him i was goin through the same thing but for him it was worse..not only did he lose a partner but he lost all his friends over the next week or so i tried to encorage him to get out maybe even buy some new clothes he didn't think that he would meet any body who would like him...then he like me hit rock bottom l the week before last on the thursday i got a message it said i've had enough i've got no friends nothing in my life to look forward to i've got a bottle of scotch and some painkillers..i messged him back cos i didn't know where he was or didn't have any numbers for him saying for him to get help..i didn't hear any thing else that night..friday cam i was checking my messages i had one from him i asked if he was alright..got a messge back sayin WHO IS THIS? i told him then i got back THIS IS HIS SISTER HE TOOK AN OVERDOSE LAST NIGHT HE'S NOW DEAD...i was in shock i i checked to see if it was a wind up it wasn't..he took his life over a little shit who didn't care about him wasn't botherd what he did to other people then i thought hang on thats like my ex who didn't think what it would do when he picked up the quick shag that night in the penny then thought a few days later that he would dump me cos the new lad had more i thought that was so shalow so driven by the thing in his pants an what he could get off them before he got bored of em and moved on so people were right about him when they were talkin about my ex so if its right when yer hear the saying what goes around comes around i hope he can cope when it comes to his turn and they dump him lets see if he learns.....
. stupid thing is even though he thew me away and won't admit it i still love him.......

i am so chuffed to have so many friends who realy care about me both old and new
i just want to move on and if a mate comes to me after being dumped i'm not goin to say its ok you just get over then they arn't worth the effort or that it don't matter and should move on..guess what i'm goin to say..what do you want to do to them?
i'm tired of feelin sad for no resion
i'm tired of feelin low
i'm tired of feeing lonley
i'm tired of being angry
i'm tired of talking about some one who didn't care
i'm tired of walkin around and goin places and having things that bring back memories of better times
i'm waiting to find someone who wants to be realy loved an care and be cared for

ian xxx